When parenting it's not always easy to know what to do in various situations. From time to time we're going to mistakes. That's inevitable. In my work as a Parenting Coach I see the same mistakes being repeated over and over. This month's parenting tip takes a closer look at the top three mistakes parents make and how you can correct them.
1. Dismissing your child's feelings
"You've been mad long enough." "It's silly to feel that way." "You're too sensitive." Ever say those things to your child? When you do you're dismissing your child's feelings and your child doesn't feel heard or understood. Think about it this way. If you called a friend and shared that you'd had a terrible day (a flat tire, a sick pet, the washing machine stopped working) and your friend said, "Get over it. You really do make too much of these things, " how would you feel? Brushed aside, dismissed? Chances are your child feels the same way if you dismiss what he or she is feeling. Try saying something like, "That sounds really frustrating," or "I can see why you're mad," the next time your child is expressing an emotion. I can almost guarantee your child will react differently once they feel heard and understood.
2. Not following through on consequences
The only thing worse than not having rules and consequences is not enforcing consequences. Do you threaten your child but never follow through? Are your consequences so unreasonable that you simply can't follow through with them? Let's say your child leaves his bike in the driveway. You tell him three times to put his bike in the garage and he simply ignores you. You're frustrated so you resort to this threat, "If you don't put your bike in the garage I'm going to throw it in the trash!" Your child continues to ignore you. Why? Because he knows you'd never throw his bike in the trash. This would be a more appropriate consequence, "If you don't put your bike in the garage you won't be allowed to ride it for a week." This is a consequence you can follow through with and you've now given your child a choice. He can choose to put the bike in the garage or he can choose to lose it for a week. His choice. Just make sure you follow through if he decides not to put his bike in the garage.
3. Over-explaining things
If you tell your child ten times to put his pajamas on and he doesn't respond what makes you think the eleventh time will do the trick? Take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Are you using too many words? Many children tune you out when you ramble on and on and on. Be matter of fact and state only what needs to be said. What is the age of the child to which you're explaining things? If your child is a preschooler he's not developmentally able to be rational. The cognitive ability to be rational doesn't begin to emerge until the age of seven so use only as few words as possible. Sometimes over-explaining turns into a verbal tug-of-war and the next thing you know you and your child are arguing and the original subject matter is forgotten. It takes two to argue so if you remove yourself from the argument it can't continue.
Side Note:
Not recognizing your parenting mistakes is almost as big a problem as not trying to fix them. Is what you are doing working? If not, then you probably need some new tools in your parenting tool box.
October 4, 2010
September 30, 2010
12 Things Teachers & Schools Wish Parents Would Do
Katy Farber, teacher and author of Why Great Teachers Quit and How We Might Stop the Exodus, shares 12 Things Teachers & Schools Wish Parents Would Do.
1. Establish a daily family routine, including healthy eating and sleeping habits.
2. Build your child's self-esteem by expressing interest in your child's schoolwork and affirming the child's worth through positive messages.
3. Communicate openly with the school and contact the school when you are aware of issues concerning your child's success.
4. Approach your child's teachers directly with an issue rather than going to the school office or principal first.
5. Express high and realistic standards for your child.
6. Check on homework regularly and ask questions about your child's work.
7. Read aloud daily to/with your child.
8. Connect everyday experiences to what is your child is learning at school.
9. Use community learning opportunities. Expose your child to the library, museums, the theater, concerts, etc. Encourage your child to join clubs, scouts, afterschool sports or fine arts, and other community programs.
10. Monitor out-of-school activities and set expectations for appropriate behavior.
11. Model learning at home by playing games, reading newspapers or magazines, and discussing current events.
12. Volunteer to help in your child's classroom, as much as you reasonably can. Parents and teachers have the unique and powerful opportunity to develop a strong, supportive relationship that can motivate and inspire children to do great things. We owe it to our kids and to ourselves to find ways to build positive partnerships and a respectful climate. By doing so, we not only can give our children the best education possible, but we also increase the likelihood that teachers will stay in the field doing what they do best.
Source: Cafe Mom Blog
1. Establish a daily family routine, including healthy eating and sleeping habits.
2. Build your child's self-esteem by expressing interest in your child's schoolwork and affirming the child's worth through positive messages.
3. Communicate openly with the school and contact the school when you are aware of issues concerning your child's success.
4. Approach your child's teachers directly with an issue rather than going to the school office or principal first.
5. Express high and realistic standards for your child.
6. Check on homework regularly and ask questions about your child's work.
7. Read aloud daily to/with your child.
8. Connect everyday experiences to what is your child is learning at school.
9. Use community learning opportunities. Expose your child to the library, museums, the theater, concerts, etc. Encourage your child to join clubs, scouts, afterschool sports or fine arts, and other community programs.
10. Monitor out-of-school activities and set expectations for appropriate behavior.
11. Model learning at home by playing games, reading newspapers or magazines, and discussing current events.
12. Volunteer to help in your child's classroom, as much as you reasonably can. Parents and teachers have the unique and powerful opportunity to develop a strong, supportive relationship that can motivate and inspire children to do great things. We owe it to our kids and to ourselves to find ways to build positive partnerships and a respectful climate. By doing so, we not only can give our children the best education possible, but we also increase the likelihood that teachers will stay in the field doing what they do best.
Source: Cafe Mom Blog
September 10, 2010
ADHD Awareness Week, September 13-17
NEW YORK, NY – Four national organizations – ADHD Coaches Organization (ACO); Attention Deficit Disorder Association (ADDA); ADDitude magazine; and Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (CHADD) – are issuing a joint call to the public to assist children, adults, and families who are affected by ADHD. On the occasion of ADHD Awareness Week, September 13-17, they’ve compiled evidence-based information and links to available resources and supports at www.adhdawareness2010
September 9, 2010
September 2, 2010
Teaching Children About Money
People have strong feelings and opinions about money. Children think parents have an unlimited supply of money. Ever heard these from your child? "Just go to the money machine." or "Use your credit card." It's vital that parents take the time to teach their children about money and good money habits.
An allowance is a good first step in teaching children how to manage money. Don't tie the allowance into any specific chores. Some chores are required to make the household run smoothly and everyone in the family must help with no pay. Chores for pay are chores that go beyond normal day to day running of the household.
For a young child you might consider giving them $1.00 a week. Break the allowance into coins such as dimes or quarters. This allows them to easily count their money and place it in containers labeled, "SPENDING," "SAVING" and "SHARING."
An allowance is a good first step in teaching children how to manage money. Don't tie the allowance into any specific chores. Some chores are required to make the household run smoothly and everyone in the family must help with no pay. Chores for pay are chores that go beyond normal day to day running of the household.
For a young child you might consider giving them $1.00 a week. Break the allowance into coins such as dimes or quarters. This allows them to easily count their money and place it in containers labeled, "SPENDING," "SAVING" and "SHARING."
You might request that they put a dime into sharing, two dimes into savings and the rest into spending. For quarters it might be one to share, one to save and two to spend.
Consider a charitable cause to teach your child the importance of giving.
Tie saving money to a goal. Find a picture of the item your child wants to buy. Hang the picture where it can be seen so they keep the goal in mind.
Side Notes:
Older kids and teens can benefit from having a savings account at the bank.
Kids spend less impulsively when it's their own money.
The best way to teach your children about money is to be a good role model.
Consider a charitable cause to teach your child the importance of giving.
Tie saving money to a goal. Find a picture of the item your child wants to buy. Hang the picture where it can be seen so they keep the goal in mind.
Side Notes:
Older kids and teens can benefit from having a savings account at the bank.
Kids spend less impulsively when it's their own money.
The best way to teach your children about money is to be a good role model.
August 10, 2010
August 4, 2010
Too Many Words
From this weeks Love and Logic e-newsletter:
"That boy is going to be the death of me. He never listens. I tell him and I tell him, but do you think he cares what I say? No! Not in the least. I don't know how he is going to learn if he never listens."
We've all heard the parent who talks like this, and I'm sure you've said to yourself, "Now we know the problem, too many words and not enough actions."
How old were you when you learned to shut out your parents' lectures? Lectures didn't work for our parents and they seldom work for us. They don't even bring out the best in our spouses.
The best rule of thumb is:
Keep it short.
Keep it polite.
Make it a question.
"Oh, Darla, I noticed that you were being a bit snippy with your friends when we were in the car. Do you ever worry about losing their friendship because of that?"
It's possible you might get a snippy answer like, "No, besides it's none of your business."
Instead of lecturing, stick with your polite questions. "Oh, sweetie, that might be true, but if not, do you have a plan? Good luck."
Polite questions get kids thinking. Lecturing shuts the door to listening.
Jim Fay
www.loveandlogic.com
"That boy is going to be the death of me. He never listens. I tell him and I tell him, but do you think he cares what I say? No! Not in the least. I don't know how he is going to learn if he never listens."
We've all heard the parent who talks like this, and I'm sure you've said to yourself, "Now we know the problem, too many words and not enough actions."
How old were you when you learned to shut out your parents' lectures? Lectures didn't work for our parents and they seldom work for us. They don't even bring out the best in our spouses.
The best rule of thumb is:
Keep it short.
Keep it polite.
Make it a question.
"Oh, Darla, I noticed that you were being a bit snippy with your friends when we were in the car. Do you ever worry about losing their friendship because of that?"
It's possible you might get a snippy answer like, "No, besides it's none of your business."
Instead of lecturing, stick with your polite questions. "Oh, sweetie, that might be true, but if not, do you have a plan? Good luck."
Polite questions get kids thinking. Lecturing shuts the door to listening.
Jim Fay
www.loveandlogic.com
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